Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday, 27 December 2011


Well Chumleys, it seems Pere Noel's generosity knew no bounds this year! He flushed himself down my chimney and left a rich deposit of luxury goods with nary a spot of soot to be seen. Then he managed to get back up said chimney and go on his merry way - which is quite the achievement considering ours has a u-bend fitted.
How does Swiety Mikolaj (as they call him in Poland) do it? I'll admit to being a Godless bead-mumbler but when one sees the miracles Joulupukki (as they have monikered him in Finland) performs, one begins to wonder is it possible there may, after all, be a God?
Yes, it was 'Grand Theft Archaeology Mesolithic' that took top marks among my Xmas chattels. It's the sequel to 'Grand Theft Archaeology Palaeolithic' and what a game it is! Simply insert the disc into the superlative Playbox 2 and using your well polished joystick you wander into an innocent boyish cyber-heaven of blunt trowel beheadings, defiling corpses, damp sandwiches and turning rent boys into roadkill with the aid of a wheelbarrow. Ahh! It brought a tear to my eye, reminding me as it did, of the erstwhile days of yore during the last building boom.
Baba Chagaloo (that's Him in Afghanistan) gave me several books of an educational nature and they are all greatly appreciated as a means of feigning intellectual depth by arranging them suggestively on my mahogany sideboard. I never read the foul things though, literature is (much like going to the loo) a filthy habit. And when they have done their job of educational fakery they will add vigour to the roaring fire in my stove.
When I peeled back the wrapping on my last present the excitement was so great I had fetch a mop from the yard to sort out the mess it provoked. The WHS Nimbus 3000!! No sooner had I this in my moist hands than I leapt up onto it and flew out the window. Such gaiety I have never before endured! It was all going splendidly until, at 30 meters OD, a concerned neighbour shot me down with the aid of a pump action shotgun he had received for Christmas. Damn you Mr. Moldevort - if that is indeed your real name!
And once again thank you dearest Kanakaloka (as they say in Hawaii,) for all your kind gifts, beat those sweatshop elves harder than usual this coming year so that I may enjoy more outstanding consumer goods for Christmas 2012.

Pass my pipe and slippers darling, and be quick about it lest you inflame my ire!

Until Next Week Archaeochrimassophiles!

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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.