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Tuesday, 3 January 2012

FASHION TIPS FOR ARCHAEOLOGISTS No. 8

HERITAGE CLOTHING

Heigh Ho Brothers and Sisters of the tilted loam! - I beseech you listen unto my homily - surely it is agreed among all us sane minded archaeologists that it is the clothes which maketh the man - or indeed lady-man. I might venture to add that it is the very cloth on our backs which acts as the only bulwark against our nudity. Deprive us of our garments and what have we left? - Tasteless wrinkled flab and unstrategic clumps of dark curly hair.


I'm not sure where I'm headed with this homily but abide with me and one day, we may perhaps, walk proudly away from this heinous blog with only moderate scarring.


Which segues very neatly into my next point - The archaeologist should always dress himself (or himselfess) in clothing which says HERITAGE in large neon lettering - Failing that, one could opt for any of the following garments:
The half-timbered shirt simply oozes tudor charm. It's daub plastered panels add a bucolic foil to the Teutonic ordered cross-stitch of the timbers. Add to this the (1980's retro) rooftile shoulderpads and you are wearing a garment that will have estate agents simply begging to be your pimp! The only disadvantages are the need for planning permission to put it in the wash - and the vexatious woodworm in one's armpits.
Triumphal pants are perfect wear for that intimate weekend away in Rome or Paris. Imagine your beloved's glistening eyes as you stride bepanted into the boudoir (because striding is the only way you can walk in these things,) with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a chocolate-frosted ferret in the other. Splendid as they are, they can prove very uncomfortable when one awakes to find a victorious army attempting to march through one's thighs.
The barrel-vaulted bonnet has proved a thundering success among those archaeologists with a poor complexion. This architectural head closet gives you an inexplicable air of mystery as you swan around a book launch stuffing hors d'ouevres through the small aperture at the front, (if one is on a diet the aperture can be astutely sealed with a cork.) Flinty McBubble, the man credited with designing the barrel-vaulted bonnet is now serving a prison term for a later design known as the groin-vaulted bonnet - and were I to illustrate that indecent headgear I would soon be banged up ditto!


And now to end with a Charles Addams/Gary Larson styled cartoon for no reason other than it's Wednesday and 'I'm worth it.'
Until our string vests once again become entangled I bid you all adieu!

11 comments:

  1. Hale Conor
    May victorious armies triumph between your thighs evermore.

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  2. I don't think I could handle the chafing.

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  3. Splendid as they are, they can prove very uncomfortable when one awakes to find a victorious army attempting to march through one's thighs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All Hale Connor
    Now agents for fashion are on to you we will expect to see you lurking in fasionista mags and pop videos. Dont forget to keep it real and well done.

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  5. All Hello Nonny Mouse and Agents for Fashion - whoever you might be - garbed as you are behind a stunningly effective screen of concealment. I'm not sure about the 'keep it real' bit I have issues with reality, it's sadly lacking that old Walt Disney magic - you know the sort of thing - barley sugar trees with buttercream bunnies bouncing gaily yonder and thither, and in the background you can just make out Walt hiring the mafia to whack the union leaders among his animation team.

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  6. Fantastic example of a Charles Addams styled cartoon

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  7. Sadly most people only know about the Addams Family and not cartoonist genius behind it, (much like the Belles of St. Trinians and it's creator Ronald Searle.) American comics and cartooning reach their zenith in the macabre, think about Edward Gorey, Tales From The Crypt, Basil Wolverton etc.
    Oh dear, this is turning into one of those boring party conversations . . .

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  8. Hale and hearty
    Call me Ishmael - or pretentious twit if you will. I should have said 'keep it real innit' and i would draw a ridiculous finger flick if i could - though clearly i can barely manage complementing a brilliant blog!

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  9. So it was you all along Nonny Mouse Mc Ishmael! How I've missed you - with your bewhiskered nose and distinctive smell of whale blubber . . . Kindly stop chewing holes in the harpoon or it's plate of warfarin for your dinner.

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  10. Dear Sir
    Tempted as i am to ask 'do you do requests?' and fully expecting that old superstar DJ wordless response, something akin to dinner is served, pray kindly enlighten me on 'bewhiskered nose'?
    Lots of love
    Nonny

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bewhiskered - a la Uncle Bulgaria from the Wombles? And requests? Well try me.

    ReplyDelete

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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.

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