FASHION TIPS FOR ARCHAEOLOGISTS No. 8

HERITAGE CLOTHING

Heigh Ho Brothers and Sisters of the tilted loam! - I beseech you listen unto my homily - surely it is agreed among all us sane minded archaeologists that it is the clothes which maketh the man - or indeed lady-man. I might venture to add that it is the very cloth on our backs which acts as the only bulwark against our nudity. Deprive us of our garments and what have we left? - Tasteless wrinkled flab and unstrategic clumps of dark curly hair.


I'm not sure where I'm headed with this homily but abide with me and one day, we may perhaps, walk proudly away from this heinous blog with only moderate scarring.


Which segues very neatly into my next point - The archaeologist should always dress himself (or himselfess) in clothing which says HERITAGE in large neon lettering - Failing that, one could opt for any of the following garments:

The half-timbered shirt simply oozes tudor charm. It's daub plastered panels add a bucolic foil to the Teutonic ordered cross-stitch of the timbers. Add to this the (1980's retro) rooftile shoulderpads and you are wearing a garment that will have estate agents simply begging to be your pimp! The only disadvantages are the need for planning permission to put it in the wash - and the vexatious woodworm in one's armpits.

Triumphal pants are perfect wear for that intimate weekend away in Rome or Paris. Imagine your beloved's glistening eyes as you stride bepanted into the boudoir (because striding is the only way you can walk in these things,) with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a chocolate-frosted ferret in the other. Splendid as they are, they can prove very uncomfortable when one awakes to find a victorious army attempting to march through one's thighs.

The barrel-vaulted bonnet has proved a thundering success among those archaeologists with a poor complexion. This architectural head closet gives you an inexplicable air of mystery as you swan around a book launch stuffing hors d'ouevres through the small aperture at the front, (if one is on a diet the aperture can be astutely sealed with a cork.) Flinty McBubble, the man credited with designing the barrel-vaulted bonnet is now serving a prison term for a later design known as the groin-vaulted bonnet - and were I to illustrate that indecent headgear I would soon be banged up ditto!


And now to end with a Charles Addams/Gary Larson styled cartoon for no reason other than it's Wednesday and 'I'm worth it.'

Until our string vests once again become entangled I bid you all adieu!