Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Wednesday 9 November 2011


When I was a wee ladeen Mr. Fortifiedbreakfastcereal kept a comely shop on the Terenure mainstreet. He sold all manner of things to bewitch the impressionable mind of a young gassune. In his shop window he had statues of the Blessed Virgin lovingly sculpted from freeze dried offal and flashing neon - beside these sat Pope Pius XII memorial plaques imaginatively fashioned from horses' teeth and shattered hurley sticks - but among all these eyecatching beauties there was a stack of model kits retailing at a ha'porth an ounce.
My primary school friends and I would spend hours, noses pressed against the shop window, staring at these boxes containing plastic wonders. We would stare at them until our snot glued us to the window and the fire brigade was called to crowbar us off.
Childhood chum Shaunie Fitzpatrick, (many moons before his dizzying success in the banking sector) was particularily taken by the 'Looting Bastard' model kit (when assembled it featured an overweight posse of businessmen dumping a golden calf into a bottomless pit - I still don't understand what it was about.) My other pal Daniel O'Donnell, (in the days when he hadn't a frog in his trousers nor an arse in his throat) couldn't take his eyes off the 'Elvis Presley Invading Poland' model kit (I often wonder about the historical accuracy of that one.) And what kit caught my eye?

Well don't pretend you haven't already guessed . . .

1. Head -supplied empty, feel free to stuff with arrogance and loony theories.
2. Hat -makes him look like Bungo from the Wombles.
3. Beard -adds to the overall womblesque appearance.
4. Ponytail -optional, for more of a 'My Little Pony' look.
5. Trowel Arm -for scratching at soil.
6. Other Arm -for scratching at hole.
7. Torso -and lavish beer gut.
8. Man Boobs -big enough to smother a sparrow.
9. Wages -a bag of peanuts.
10. Left leg -arthritic.
11. Right Leg - gammy.
12. Feet -clad in recession style plastic bags.
13. Loins -when painting model don't forget to add greasy stains.
14. Plumb bob -and SpongeBob.
15. Excavation licence.
16. Psychiatric evaluation.
17. Pencil - for buttering sandwiches and picking ears and teeth.
18. Sense of propriety - sadly missing.


  1. Very awesome! I would love one of these to put on my desk.

  2. Thank you! Try printing it, cutting it out with a good ol' fashioned scissors. Stick it together then put on a pair of 3D glasses (have you been to see the 3D smurf movie? -it rocks!) and the effect should be quite convincing.

  3. I have one of those ergonomic(?) wooden human models, so I'll try sticking the pieces to him. Any opportunity to cut, colour and stick is a bonus in my book.

  4. Those wooden models are dangerous. I've heard they can rise up at night and polish the turnips in your vegetable basket.

  5. "Sense of propriety - sadly missing"

    This explains so much. I swear the Arch department gets away with more inappropriate comments, jokes, and antics than any other. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

    Sanity is often also missing. I was once chastised by a visiting prof for not talking to the pottery enough. Still, it's easy to pick out within the first year or so of classes who's warped enough to make it in the field.

    Your blog is fantastic!

  6. Thank You for your kind comment. Do call back again. I see you're from Canada, I didn't realise you had the internet there. . .

  7. It's tough to get the igloos wired properly-- the sled dogs are horrible, always shewing the cables-- but we do have it in some spots.

  8. Chewing, that is. Must have posted pre-coffee. Good thing I've come back to correct it now that I've been drinking.

  9. In Ireland we had terrible problems with huskies chewing the internet cables (back in the good old days of the internet pioneers.) Then Saint Patrick shot the dogs and ate them. Then we shot Saint Patrick and ate him, but because he was a saint his body was incorruptible and we ended up spewing him up whole. What a night that was!!

  10. So if enough people ate Saint Patrick and spewed him up whole, did that create a whole fleet of Saint Patricks? (Would the proper term be Patrices, or Saints Patrick?) Kind of like the loaves and fishes thing gone wild and considerably less tasty.

  11. No, only one came back up - and as I remember he tasted fine.



My photo
I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.