Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday 27 November 2012


Hello fellow heritage gnomes, I am just returned from my weekly visitation to Aldi and, judging by the marzipan pastries stacked high as a proverbial stilt walker's nipple, methinks Christmas approacheth. The inescapable merriment of said Hannukathon makes one wonder what gifts to scatter in a manure-like fashion 'neath old Piney Tannenbaum. Well, my mirth loving mud-pilots, wonder no more as the latest version of everyone's preferred yuletide board game has been unleashed auf den Markt . . .

Just look at the properties one can acquire!
I must admit I'm infatuated by the redesign of this classic - particularly the playing counters so perfectly reflecting 21st century archaeology. There's a few expected ones, steel toe-cap boot, trowel &c. &c. but I must say the bulldozer is bound to be fought over by middle managers tripping over themselves in search of a pension plan (and who can blame them? Little sweethearts . . .) Then the Sherman tank is a must for those site directors who trundle around in the site hut and fire shit at beleaguered staff from a distance. Oh yes, let's not forget the book counter (shown at bottom), representing university archaeologists - and the book actually opens up!! Inside the cover all is revealed - it's by dear Albert H. Munsell, and surprise, surprise it's a racy revised version of his 'Munsell Soil Colour Chart,' this new edition is called 'Fifty Shades of Brown,' and boy is it filthy!! So dirty I dropped my biscuit in the Horlicks.
The Counters: The trowel always gets stolen from the box.
Now far be it from me to teach my Grandmother to suck eggs (and by Gumbo you should have seen mine get her tongue around one,) but I think the new revised rules do warrant explaining. First, money is distributed evenly among the players (the money in Archaeopoly consists of buttons) then a loaded dice (snake eyes) is thrown over the shoulder of the player last seen growing a beard during the winter solstice.
The players then march in an anti-clockwise direction about the board while saying a decade of the Rosary. Afterwards Professor Plum is accused of being a murdering bastard and (if all goes according to plan) a knock at the door will signal the arrival of MI5.
After you own a few properties why not add one of these?
And now the game really gets interesting! A basin is filled with water and apples are bobbed on the top. MI5 then immerse each players head under the water until they admit to being guilty of the 1972 terrorist attack on the Cuban consulate in Montreal. Whoever snaps first under interrogation shouts 'SNAP!' eats all the apples and then takes a card from the 'Chance deck.'
Pine Needles do have a Point
MI5 then begin random beatings on the contestants before firing bullets into the ceiling and exiting Gangnam Style. All players now shout 'I sunk your battleship!' signaling the game's approach into the final furlong . . .
The Battleship Hope: Time to abandon Hope.
And in the final furlong it's Middle Manager in hot pursuit of Pension Plan, and they're  neck and neck with Underpricing the Job, closing in swiftly is University Closure. It's anybodies race yet as Middle Manager pulls clear into the lead and shows Underpricing the Job a thing or two about underpricing jobs. Pension Plan is beginning to stagger under the sheer weight of funds available - but wait! Who's this? Up from behind and out of nowhere comes Will Work for Peanuts - no industry stands a chance against that monster. The finishing line comes into view and it's Will Work for Peanuts first, then Middle Manager, Underpricing the Job, University Closure, Pension Plan and trotting in behind the lot of them is The Archaeology - that poor old nag never stood a chance . . .
The game ends with the players disagreeing about everything, then the board gets thrown out the window and everyone departs wondering why did they ever get involved in a game as loony as Archaeopoly to begin with.
Good job it's just a game. . . 
The Future Looks Bright
I'll get my people to ring your people. Talk soon.


  1. .... to think I kinda use to LIKE the game.........

    1. Try hungry hippos instead. Great game. Very stimulating.

  2. She reminded me that some of us got fat and rich....conscience is what loosers pass off as backbone

    1. A conscience? I wouldn't credit myself with so much as that.

    2. Then you must be a winner McHale - i admire your work and your temperment (she said)

  3. How true all of this is. After 20 years working as a commercial archaeologist I got out of the game a couple of years ago and now am quite happily working as an employability advisor helping the long-term unemployed to find work. Haven,t coached any archaeologists yet but it's only a matter of time.

  4. With the current state of the world economy you've chosen the right business to be in.

  5. Wonderful and terrifying in equal measures...

  6. There was a similar game in circulation in the mid 1980 called bankrupt the Dept of Urban Archaeology.



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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.