Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday 26 June 2012


And now ladies and gentleman let us persevere in our keenly ignored series on a theme of further education and continuous professional development . . .

1. The word 'Mesolithic,' is a sub-portmanteau construction comprising of the terms - meso (from Low German): meaning 'couldn't give an 'eff' and lithic (from Cantonese): meaning 'a crisp battercake.' Hence Mesolithic means: 'ineffable waffle.'

2. The term Mesolithic was first coined by Hodder Westropp at a croquet match held underneath Queen Victoria's voluminous skirts. An enraged Sir John Evans swung his mallet at Westropp for daring to invent words in proximity to the royal ankles (Sir John later argued the locution 'superannuated-palaeolithic' was far more suitable.) The sight of Sir John's oscillating mallet put the willies right up Westropp who fled and (without the aid of harness or rope) scaled the Queens left leg. Unfortunately he had only attained the kneecap* when the good Queen collapsed from sheer corpulence thereby flattening an entire generation of archaeologists.
*The only man known to have reached the peak was of course Prince Albert (with the aid of his unique piercing, crampons and a winch.) He later descended by parachute bearing nine children.
Apologies if you are too young or too American to get that one.
3. Faunal remains at sites such as Ferriter's Cove and Star Carr have demonstrated that the staple diet of the mesolithic consisted of fricasseed womble in mint sauce with an optional side of sliced pineapple in batter.
Recent isotope analysis has proved dessert was included in the price.

4. One of the first clearly recognised mesolithic cultures was the Azilian Culture from Southern France, characterised by bone harpoons and decorated pebbles. This was closely paralleled by the Godzillian Culture from Japan characterised by men in rubber monster suits wrestling among minature buildings.

5. So the other day I was around at Alan Hayden's, y'know just for a cuppa an' a chat like, and he has dese two hewage dogs see, two massive hairy, smelly wolfhounds, leppin' all over the shop - an' when they're not barkin' they're fartin'. An' I look around his kitchen and I says: 'Jay-sus! Al, dis gaf a yours is a mess, it's covered, an' I mean covered, in hair and where dere isn't hair dere's shyte.'
An Boss Hayden looks about an' shrugs an' sez: 'Sure it's the Epipalaeolithic Eastern Mediterraneans' fault.'
'What? Ye mean like the Na-toof-ians?' Sez I, me jaw swinging open with ink-red-doolitty.
'Yeah, dey were the ones what experimented with the domestication of dogs like . . .' Sez Boss Hayden. 'An' dose experiments were a total failure and dat's why me house is covered in hair and shyte! Dese poor crayturs should never have been domesticated. Never in a millun yee-urs.'
'Alan,' Sez I, calm as ye like, cos I didn't want to be spillin' tea all over me best Dunnes Stores slacks. 'Yer blamin' de poor hounds when it's plain as daylight dat the hair an' shite in this place is all human!!'
And den dere's silence until Boss Hayden offers me another sandwich.
He makes a grand sandwich does Alan.

6. As has become the fashion on these educational blog postings I am now going to lead you in song in order to blow away the cobwebs of recession and issue in the glorious light of wild, unchecked heritage funding. And today we will be singing (and cutting a caper) along to Herr Lionel Richie's magnum opus. Please follow this link
Gyrate with gay abandon to the intoxicating tones of Mr. Richie (while enjoying the hairstyles and leisure suits) and if you can dance just like Lionel does in that video I promise by songsend the phone will ring and you will be offered a secure pensionable job in excess of 80k a year.
This charm has never been known to fail (and if you prove to be the exception it's your own fault.).
Herr Lionel Richie (see above) and Sir Oswald Mosley (see below.)
6 (and a bit.) The more I do these postings the less sense they make . . .

7. In 1931 the fishing vessel Colinda, while at work some 40km from the coast of Norfolk, pulled a mesolithic barbed antler point up in its net. It is a testament to the navigational incompetence of the captain that he had somehow managed to steer the ship 40km inland. (Later that day he bagged a henge, three cows and a disgruntled Oswald Mosley.)

8. In 2005 George W. Bush advocated an invasion of the Mesolithic. The plan had to be abandoned when his advisers could not find it on a map.

9. Q: What do get if you cross a baseball bat with very strong laxatives?

              A: It beats the shit out of me.

10. Now, I sincerely hope that clarifies the matter.

See ya in two weeks. And don't forget to buy my tat in the olde shoppe.


  1. Shouldn't it be 'foow" coming out of Gringo's arse?! And i have discovered that most of the hair was actually fluff off the great artists broad backside. You need to start taking those tablets again methinks. Love and kisses. Alan

  2. Hail Herr Uberrooter! Glad to hear you're still alive. Recession has deprived me of the tablets, but your love and kisses we keep me in check.

  3. She followed that link and now i have to smile through her grotesque 80s photoflipbookthingy before i get me tea. Hope you burn in hell.

  4. I bet she was a goer in her day.

  5. And 17:11 is no time to be drinking tea.

  6. Nobody looked good in the 80s, cept maybe Eric Morecambe,and she was gettin on even then

  7. I'm a little disappointed by a timid avoidance of issues that should be in the social conscience, for example, the exploitation of pygmies in making very small flint things for mass consumption - when nobody knows what a Pygmy tastes like, and the proposed erradication of the epipaleolithic after complaints from those afflicted by stammers (ref King's Speach). On that point, nobody with terrets has introduced mesolithic ticks into their interjections? Why not?

  8. I can't compete with that level of academic brilliance . . . The epipaleolithic bit made me piss myself.

    Did you know Frank Zappa had a son called Moon Unit?

    Any relation?

  9. If I ever had the privelege of a child, a new born, a "unit" (preferably with an extended warranty), it - respecting gender diversity - would be named either "Assemblage", or "Prehistoric". Imagine? Many parents are far more cruel than this. They push their children into an amorphous typology. I, me, I would love the "unit". Would you? PS, nobody knows where prehistoric people pooped. I onlty mention this, because there's a shed-load of poop somewhere out there. Scary sh*t.

  10. Final word, because I am unemployed and tired and doing voluntary lithics. Is a "primary core reduction strategy" (mesolithic again, because they prepared their platform edges so very well) just a way for our banks and governments to impose austerity measures? Why does this question never come up on BBC Question Time? Microlith, or Microwave? So many potential cartoons. Ciao; I love this blog. I might subscribe but hate Google.

  11. "pulled a mesolithic barbed antler point up in it's net" should be "its net" with no apostrophe. Only use apostrophe when you mean 'it is'.

    1. And check out this link!

  12. Many thanks, don't know what I'd do without you.

  13. There you go, all corrected. I promise to try harder next time.

  14. And (however you may have read it) the petition of: 'have a good weekend' was a genuine one.
    The Mournes were spectacular. . .

  15. wasnt me hun

  16. That's OK wasn't me either . . .

  17. But you still came back to check . . .

  18. Do you sniff around my comments box much?

  19. Aye but never pedently.
    Glad you enjoyed the Mournes - i've never had them

  20. I tink I just sh#te meesel laughing so I did
    oh... sorry was I meant to?

  21. Whatever gave you the idea I was attempting to be funny?



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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.