Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Ten Educational Facts about the Palaeolithic

As I have stressed on SO many occasions on this blog further education is the most important thing an archaeologist can pursue. One should trap it, stuff it and then mount it on the mantlepiece next to Grannie's ashes. So in the vein of Continuous Professional Development I present to you an edifying educational posting to bring us all closer to the prehistoric past. So fly my pretties, educate yourself while I go out and loot sausages from the local butchers.

1. The word 'Palaeolithic, is a shrewd unity of two separate Babylonian words. 'Palaeo' meaning 'Too much mascara,' and 'Lithic' meaning 'Along the winding garden path.' Married together, these two words become: 'Make it up as you go along.'
2. Mitochondrial DNA evidence has hugely improved our knowledge of the Palaeolithic. For instance we now know, with absolute certainty, that Noah begat Ham (or 'Hammy' to his friends,) and Ham begat Lego and Lego had a coat of many colours and went to dwell in the land of Aldi before he took the twin daughters of Marzipan as wives - and lo the twins were barren because as the prophet Bruce Forsyth was wont to say 'You beget nothing for a pair!' And Lego quoth 'Not in this game!' then fell to pieces and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad.

3. Tra la la la, tra la la la. Parp, parp, parp, tootitty parp. Tral la la la la laaH!
Altogether now. In the style of Luciano Pavarotti!
- Tra la la la, tra la la la. Parp, parp, parp, tootitty parp. Tral la la la la laaHHH!
Sing it until your cheeks are aglow and the cat is drenched in spittle!
4. Some of the more astute among you may have noticed No. 3 was not a fact about the palaeolithic. Rather it was a fortifying tune to ease the pain of recession and swell one's heart (I believe angel dust has a similar effect.)

5. Palaeolithic cave art is unquestionably the single most impressive achievement of the period. Unfortunately, prehistory gurus now agree it was the stone age equivalent of filling a front garden with concrete gnomes and a fake plywood well.
6. The Palaeolithic in Europe was cut short by the invasion of a Natufian dwarf army under the ruthless leadership of Gimli of the Negev. (Although further evidence may be needed to prove this conclusively.)

7. Saint Pludmunter of Terenure fashioned a vessel of dewy heather, sailed west from Clew Bay and three score weeks later landed in the river basin of the Palaeolithic. Once there, he bestowed on the natives the blessings of Christianity (and rampant syphilis.)

8. Benny Hill personally named all the Paleolithic sites in Britain - Hence their double entendre stylings - exemplia gratia: Mother Grundy's Parlour, Baker's Hole.

9. Currently the Palaeolithic in Ireland shares the same status as sex before marriage, there's lots of evidence for it, but by the grace of God, we choose not to see it.
10. The palaeolithic is now more commonly called paleolithic - And if that isn't evidence of . . . Just a second . . . 'Ham' imagine calling your son 'Ham,' Ivor Cutler sent his son, on his first day of school in London (aged 5 years) in a kilt!! I thought that was bad but calling your son 'Ham' beats that hands down, you can whip off a kilt but changing your name involves deed poll stuff. It's a wonder Noah didn't call his other two sons Mushroom and Leek.
And now I'll end by saying something about UFOs and Zionist banking cabals . . . actually I won't, because that's just plain silly.

Thank you for your patience. Your Captain has just crashed the plane.


  1. This made ny tea lady question the meaning of (her) life.

    1. Tell her to climb into the old heather boat and offer a prayer up to Saint Pludmunter.



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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.