Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday 30 August 2011


Well who are they? Who are the Mammy and Daddy of our filth bedeckled science of archaeology? Which two progenitors threw themselves carelessly at each other at a drunken party then weeks later the phone rings, Dad picks up: 'You're what?'
And next thing we're born - all of us, all in one go, a flood of humanity - and we're chargin' up and down the hospital corridors, spittin' and bitin' and roarin', scratchin' the radiators with our trowels and the midwife, without taking her eyes off us reaches slowly into her handbag for the shotgun. . .
Well finding Mum wasn't easy (and when you have kids like us it's no wonder she kept her head low,) but here she is - Gertrude Bell, the Mother of Archaeology. Gertrude was one hell of a lady, up to her uxters in middle-eastern politics, close associate of Lawrence of Arabia, Britain never made a decision about it's arab empire without getting the green light from Gertie, she knew the terrain inside out - but her real passion was archaeology and she did extensive survey work on ancient Babylon and related sites.
Just a cotton-pickin' minute though, all was not perfect about Mumsy, she was honorary secretary for the ANTI-Suffragette Society. Despite being a deeply political person, she didn't think women deserved the vote!
The wagon!
Then there was Daddy, King Nabonidus of Babylon they called him. He's known as 'The Father of Archaeology' because he held the earliest known 'archaeological' excavations ever, into temples which were ancient even by ancient Babylonian standards (Jaysus!). And he was the last King of Babylon ever.
But the durty hoor was a slaver!! He kept the jews in bondage until Cyrus the Great marched into the 'hood and set the chosen people free.

Now I'm no Captain Shazam when it comes to the study of logic but if the Father of Archaeology was a tyrant from a land where beer was worshipped as a God and the Mother of Archaeology thought women should be chained to the kitchen sink and she has thousands of children worldwide I think we can only draw one conclusion from this. . .

All archaeologists are Irish Catholics!

So mazel tov to you my brothers and sisters! (As we say in Connemara.)

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I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.