Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

THREE STEPS TO A HAPPIER YOU

Time is short my little pickled chumions - so I will make this brief - we are busy people - tempus fugit and all that. Every second that passes is in need of our attention, slap a feature number on it, plan it, photograph it and take a sample from it. Tick, tick ,tick. We are busy folk and if we are to be happy - it must happen quickly!! The following 3 step method holds no guarantee. Keep your hands on the railing at all time and no feeding the crocodiles.

STEP 1: GROW A BEARD
A long one. Tuck it under your nether regions and out the back of your roomy leisure pants. This method of beard deportment was advocated by Karl Barth (while he was taking a break from dialectical theology.) Barth was from Basel, hence the name of this beard style. (See below.)
BOOM BOOM!
STEP 2: DANCE - JUST GODDAMN DANCE
Dance to the outside
Dance to the middle
Set the floor a blazing
While Nero jigs the fiddle

Hula by your lonesome
And boogie in the herd
Gambol in the tulips
Pogo in the turds

And dance because they say you can't
And dance because you can

Hand-jive out to Charleston
Shuffle with your shanks
Shimmy waltz and whip it
Hoedown with a skank

Do the mashed potato
Or perhaps the quiche lorraine
Rhumba with Nijinsky
Slam Margot Fontaine

And dance because they say you can't
And dance because you can

God's moves are mysterious
The dancer gets the spoils
So swing it in the bell tower
And waltz right up the aisle

Fleet-footed as Mercury
(Galileo Galileo)
We'll disco to the heavens
In excelsis Deo

And dance because they say you can't
And dance because you can



STEP 3: GET RICH QUICK
Print the image below a million-billion times (do it on someone else's printer - the cost of ink cartridges is crippling.)
The worst picture of Childe ever drawn. Even if I do say so myself.
You are now rich with raw Heritage (notice the capital 'H') to the tune of one million billion arckydollahs. The arckydollah is legal tender absolutely nowhere, therefore, by the time you stick your head in the gas oven, the gas will have been disconnected.
Afterwards file for bankruptcy, on the forms in the space marked 'occupation' write bank director. You will be handed a bonus, a pension and the right to shit on anybody you like.
Well done.

Thank God that didn't last long - 'til next time mein heritage MacGuffins . .












2 comments:

  1. You can dance
    You can jive
    You can make a grown man cry (she said)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tell her she talks too much
    - then seize her in your arms and waltz her out the sash window.

    ReplyDelete

Hello

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Ireland
I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.

AND NOW FOR SOME SHAMELESSLY DIMINUTIVE FACES IN SMALL SQUARE BOXES