Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Friday, 14 December 2012

CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Hello Boys and Girls, some of you will be receiving the following in card format for Christmas, others will be receiving last years card with 2011 crossed out and 2012 added instead.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
gnome (one, largish)
mashed potato (a bucket of)
carrots (a ganseyload)
onions (a clatter)




1. A reputable butcher will be able to aid you in your selection of a suitable gnome. These tasty nuggets of elven meat have become much more affordable since the introduction of battery farming (coupled with rigorous programmes of force feeding.) Choose an older gnome for fuller flavour and look for one with rosy cheeks and a soft, fluffy beard.

2. Once home. Strip gnome (retaining hat,) shave all body hair. Disembowel. Be sure to bury offal under a holly bush (during a full moon) in order to avoid the curse of Monkey Island.

3. Grip gnome firmly by ankle and feed into mincer. Apply considerable pressure to handle to deal with bone.
Fry minced gnome with onion and carrot.
4. Place fried gnome and vegetables in a baking dish. Top with mashed potato. Sculpt potato in cruel parody of how gnomes once looked in happier days - before Papa Noel shifted his sweatshop to China and pushed generations of bearded elves out into the frozen wastes, subjecting them to ecognomic hardship without so much as a sidelong glance and he even had the cheek to appear in the newspapers banging on about how his new business model had provided a vibrant and sustainable future for toy makers and how he had contributed to the fiscal well-being of children worldwide even though he now effectively has one half of them making dolls and plastic guns for the other half. . .
Bake for three hours.
Garnish with hat.
Serve.

If Christmas guests complain gnome pie has little flavour tell them it’s not half as tasteless as some of the muck you've read on this blog. . .

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! The old chap with the beard will soon be down your chimney!


4 comments:

  1. Merry Christmas but now feel that mine will be vegetarian..............:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. ecognomic McHale - was this perchance the seed from whence this .....
    So funny she choked on her fig roll

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, the image of a gnome in a mincer was the seed - ecognomic just occurred to me, as things often do.

      FIGGG ROOOOLLLLL!!! I love 'em, along with figs bereft of roll, dried or fresh. Yum yum.

      Delete

Hello

My Photo
Ireland
I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.

AND NOW FOR SOME SHAMELESSLY DIMINUTIVE FACES IN SMALL SQUARE BOXES