And now ladies and gentleman let us persevere in our keenly ignored series on a theme of further education and continuous professional development . . .
2. The term Mesolithic was first coined by Hodder Westropp at a croquet match held underneath Queen Victoria's voluminous skirts. An enraged Sir John Evans swung his mallet at Westropp for daring to invent words in proximity to the royal ankles (Sir John later argued the locution 'superannuated-palaeolithic' was far more suitable.) The sight of Sir John's oscillating mallet put the willies right up Westropp who fled and (without the aid of harness or rope) scaled the Queens left leg. Unfortunately he had only attained the kneecap* when the good Queen collapsed from sheer corpulence thereby flattening an entire generation of archaeologists.
*The only man known to have reached the peak was of course Prince Albert (with the aid of his unique piercing, crampons and a winch.) He later descended by parachute bearing nine children.
|Apologies if you are too young or too American to get that one.|
Recent isotope analysis has proved dessert was included in the price.
4. One of the first clearly recognised mesolithic cultures was the Azilian Culture from Southern France, characterised by bone harpoons and decorated pebbles. This was closely paralleled by the Godzillian Culture from Japan characterised by men in rubber monster suits wrestling among minature buildings.
An Boss Hayden looks about an' shrugs an' sez: 'Sure it's the Epipalaeolithic Eastern Mediterraneans' fault.'
'What? Ye mean like the Na-toof-ians?' Sez I, me jaw swinging open with ink-red-doolitty.
'Yeah, dey were the ones what experimented with the domestication of dogs like . . .' Sez Boss Hayden. 'An' dose experiments were a total failure and dat's why me house is covered in hair and shyte! Dese poor crayturs should never have been domesticated. Never in a millun yee-urs.'
'Alan,' Sez I, calm as ye like, cos I didn't want to be spillin' tea all over me best Dunnes Stores slacks. 'Yer blamin' de poor hounds when it's plain as daylight dat the hair an' shite in this place is all human!!'
And den dere's silence until Boss Hayden offers me another sandwich.
He makes a grand sandwich does Alan.
Gyrate with gay abandon to the intoxicating tones of Mr. Richie (while enjoying the hairstyles and leisure suits) and if you can dance just like Lionel does in that video I promise by songsend the phone will ring and you will be offered a secure pensionable job in excess of 80k a year.
This charm has never been known to fail (and if you prove to be the exception it's your own fault.).
|Herr Lionel Richie (see above) and Sir Oswald Mosley (see below.)|
7. In 1931 the fishing vessel Colinda, while at work some 40km from the coast of Norfolk, pulled a mesolithic barbed antler point up in its net. It is a testament to the navigational incompetence of the captain that he had somehow managed to steer the ship 40km inland. (Later that day he bagged a henge, three cows and a disgruntled Oswald Mosley.)
8. In 2005 George W. Bush advocated an invasion of the Mesolithic. The plan had to be abandoned when his advisers could not find it on a map.
9. Q: What do get if you cross a baseball bat with very strong laxatives?
A: It beats the shit out of me.
10. Now, I sincerely hope that clarifies the matter.
See ya in two weeks. And don't forget to buy my tat in the olde shoppe.