I finally gave in to (my old streaking buddy) Mark Zuckerberg's badgering requests to have dinner over at his. The man's a dreadful bore but I couldn't say no forever.
He met me at the hall door with a damp handshake and said: 'It's so good to connect with you and build platforms.'
'Sorry?' I said. This questioning tone seemed to enflame Mark's anger.
'Just take off your f**king shoes and give them to me!!' He roared.
Never one to argue I complied and he put on my shoes. This had a calming effect on him.
'You know,' he said, 'It's great to share, sharing is all about transparency and crossing bridges.'
'Mark,' I said, in a concerned fashion, 'Bridges? Transparency? - I haven't a G*dd**ned notion what you're on about.'
'Your trousers,' he bellowed, 'I want those too! And that shirt! And your socks and kegs too!'
Needless to say, my progressing state of nudity was having a cooling effect on the evening.
'What we have here is a partnership, one of social music and shared clothing,' said Mark softly. His movements were slow, now that he had all my clothes on over his own.
'I think I'd like to go home now Mark,' I said, my bottom lip wobbling and a tear welling up in my eye.
Mark lifted a can opener - it seemed to provoke a Pavlovian response in him . . . 'You're not going anywhere,' he drooled, 'until I have peeled your soul away from your carcass. . .'
Which is a very hypocritical way of saying I have started up a facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Cartoon-Version-of-Reality/127966490659260?sk=wall
Please do join in the fun. I hope to sort out a like button on this page but I don't understand HTML stuff so it could be many moons 'ere that arrives.
THE POWER SUIT / DRESSING TO IMPRESS
How many times has the stalwart archaeologist attended a meeting at the architect's HQ only to feel hopelessly outgunned by the other professionals present, clad, as said professionals are, in their Savile Row bespoke tailored power suits? Especially when our heroic dirt monkey is wearing the wooly jersey their Mammy knit for them, that and a damp lampshade they've worn for years instead of a hat. In these low class accoutrements the archaeologist is unfit to serve as a soldier in the army of heritage protection.
At all such development meetings, we the noble heirs of Nabonidus should dress to impress - nay, we should dress to threaten and frighten nasty transgressors far from damaging the nation's archaeology. Our clothing should emit an aura of raw power. The secret here is to wear something quite left of centre and unexpected - think wilderness, think uncertainty, think savage animals - placing these sort images before a deveolpment team is bound to have an unsettling effect and one which will allow those who fight on the irreproachable side of soil based inheritance to add considerable leverage to their cause. And that is why, dear chums, when attending these meetings filled with malfeasants bent on the destruction of our beloved limited resource one should dress like a bear.
This clothing (although as yet untested) is bound to come up trumps at meetings. Developers won't know which way to look! Indeed their forked tongues will be tied - particularly if the bear suit wearer intones the following chant:
I'm the Growly Wowly bear
Try your worst I'm not scared.
If however the developers try and squeeze past your clever ruse it's time to step up your game and introduce your beloved teddy bear into the scenario. Hold Mr.Cuddles close to your face, begin licking him and see the positive results you achieve . . .
This licking behaviour mimics the actions of a mother bear cleaning her cub and as every lonely pilgrim in the forest of life knows, there is nothing more dangerous than a protective mother. Try interspersing your licks with the following words:
I'm the Growly Wowly bear,
Having a lick of my kitten,
Don't mess with the archaeology
Unless you wish to be bitten.
(It is inevitable that Mr. Cuddles will feel a little violated by all this but assure him he is serving a noble cause.)
Occasionally the savvy development team will offer the unwary archaeologist a cup of caffe macchiato to in order to soften them up a bit - always have a pot of honey ready to impress on them that you will not sup their corrupting brew. While indulging in your honey try saying:
I'm a Growly Wowly bear,
Having honey, honest and good,
Don't bribe me with milky coffee
Or else I'll crap in your wood.
The mere thought of you lightening your load on the architect's decorative bonsai collection will have them offering you unlimited time and money to deal with the approaching development dig. Or, at worst, a brown paper bag stuffed full of greenbacks. Then, success in hand, it's off home to hibernate until the recession is over!
Ooh, I can feel it working already.
Until next week deep-fried-futon-smothered-in-cheese lovers!
