Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Thursday, 20 December 2012

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE


The year began thus:

And ended thus:
So thus about all folks

GO TEAM SANTA!!

Friday, 14 December 2012

CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Hello Boys and Girls, some of you will be receiving the following in card format for Christmas, others will be receiving last years card with 2011 crossed out and 2012 added instead.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
gnome (one, largish)
mashed potato (a bucket of)
carrots (a ganseyload)
onions (a clatter)




1. A reputable butcher will be able to aid you in your selection of a suitable gnome. These tasty nuggets of elven meat have become much more affordable since the introduction of battery farming (coupled with rigorous programmes of force feeding.) Choose an older gnome for fuller flavour and look for one with rosy cheeks and a soft, fluffy beard.

2. Once home. Strip gnome (retaining hat,) shave all body hair. Disembowel. Be sure to bury offal under a holly bush (during a full moon) in order to avoid the curse of Monkey Island.

3. Grip gnome firmly by ankle and feed into mincer. Apply considerable pressure to handle to deal with bone.
Fry minced gnome with onion and carrot.
4. Place fried gnome and vegetables in a baking dish. Top with mashed potato. Sculpt potato in cruel parody of how gnomes once looked in happier days - before Papa Noel shifted his sweatshop to China and pushed generations of bearded elves out into the frozen wastes, subjecting them to ecognomic hardship without so much as a sidelong glance and he even had the cheek to appear in the newspapers banging on about how his new business model had provided a vibrant and sustainable future for toy makers and how he had contributed to the fiscal well-being of children worldwide even though he now effectively has one half of them making dolls and plastic guns for the other half. . .
Bake for three hours.
Garnish with hat.
Serve.

If Christmas guests complain gnome pie has little flavour tell them it’s not half as tasteless as some of the muck you've read on this blog. . .

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! The old chap with the beard will soon be down your chimney!


Thursday, 6 December 2012

THE TERENURE GARRA RUFA FISH APPRECIATION SOCIETY ADVENT PARTY

The Chairman and Guest Speaker (drawn from life.)
Last Tuesday night saw the annual meeting of the Terenure (and District) Garra Rufa Fish Appreciation Society's Advent Party. The turnout was a respectable 3 people - a figure which fell just short of the record 2008 number of 4 (both figures include the guest speaker.) Society chairperson Alan (Herr Uberootrer) Hayden introduced the speaker Mr. John (Shaun Bawn) Barrett who had travelled from Carlow to speak on the topic of 'Rat Infestations - Improving Your Cookery Skills.' The talk proved a great success (despite the lecturer's numerous digressions onto topics as diverse as cardboard and nipples.) The Author gave the vote of thanks and it was seconded by the chairman. Afterwards Mr. Barrett called us both 'miserable bastards' to our faces.
A vote was held on the society's proposed Gunpowder Plot and it was agreed to defer it until next year when gunpowder prices and relationships between the Catholic church and King James I - will (hopefully) have plummeted. The venue was Bradys' of Terenure, a pub made famous by the 1970s Brady Bunch television show.
All those wishing to attend next year's meeting should consult the map below.



See you there next year. - Work commitments in foreign counties mean December will be a month of bizarre and very sparse postings.

Hello

My Photo
Ireland
I am a descended from a long line of conga dancers. I occasionally wear shoes. I gave up going to the toilet twenty years ago - it's a filthy habit. I have a pet bunny called Mucky - he's a filthy rabbit.

AND NOW FOR SOME SHAMELESSLY DIMINUTIVE FACES IN SMALL SQUARE BOXES